Aminjikarai to Amerigaa....

“Should I read this post?? Last post was a verbose!! I don’t have time and patience to read some futile article. Woah, this guy must be some Nostradamus!” Did I discern what you are thinking right now? I know, I write some counterproductive crap. The trend right now is to belittle your work so that you get an unexpected mammoth response which you shamelessly expected. This is a flop song, absolute nonsense.1 million hits and still counting. WTK!! So I thought even I will start with a flagrant disclaimer. So, to all of you who are either busy writing ten thousand lines of code or doing an intern in Google, if you don’t have time to read this big a post, scroll to the bottom of the page and have a laugh(Hopefully) at the picture which is the gist of this post.

This one is about Kandasamy(‘s) who finished his Engineering in Palayathu Amman College of Engineering. I don’t understand why college owners are fascinated to christen their colleges with Amman names. Kandasamy got an admit to Water – Melon University. Yes, even I was puzzled !??!! Then he elucidated that this Univ is an adversary to Carnegie Melon and it is in Masachuooos. Where??? Massachusetts it is.500 bucks to any of you who could enunciate it properly. Poor Kandasamy don’t laugh at him. These types of guys are serious exhibitionists (Halo Girlsu you are also included, this instance is just about kandasmy. Ok va?) He starts bragging the moment he gets on to the Airplane. He updates his status, “Landed safely in Dubai. Waiting for my connecting flight” Wish you hadn’t, someone should have Hijacked the flight. To hell with smart phones. You guys update your status even if you are constipated. If you are going to update your status 10 times a day, better use Twitter you jerks. 

Kandasamy changes his FaceBook display name, KANDY. It would have suited you better, had you replaced the only vowel in the name with the last vowel. You should see the choice of cuss words Kandy uses here in US. The guy who was using curse words such as Oth* and Baad* back home in Chennai, suddenly starts using Fuc* and Bitc*.  How remotely is it possible for you to change from “Oth* semma figure da!!” to “Shes Fuc*ing hot Dude!!” in a span of thirty days. Between why do we all prefix Otha* with whatever we speak (Even Girls - #India shining). Oth* semma sapadula,Oth* sooper padam da, Oth* mokka podran da!! Oth* chuck it, let’s talk about Kandy. You should see the slang he uses. The guy who used to beseech to his friends in college for money, “Machi 100 roobees iruntha thaada plz!!”  Goes there and says “ Yo man I need a grand!!”(Kadan kekura naai ku thimura paru!!) The only sport you followed and played a little was Cricket. Can’t help it, this game is imbibed in our blood. But you come here and update your status – “American Football at its best!!Wish Detroit lion wins this game”. Sometimes Rocket Science seems easier than these stupid American Sports. Watha!! Next time we see each other, you ought to explain me the rules of the game.

What did you eat for lunch when you were in India?? Thair sadham , aavaka ooruga* and chicken briani**

*    aathula irunthu amma box la koduthathu

**  Intha abhistu thopanar ku theriama friends kita pudungi sapitathu

But what do you order when you are in an American Cuisine? Maple roasted chicken Breast. May be you were allured seeing the last word.

What was your style quotient when you were there?  Some shirt and jean of an alien brand which you got in buy 3 get 4 offers from MegaMart. Puma look alike shoes from Satya Bazar. Citizen look alike watch from Alsa Mall. But I saw a pic of yours(Careful enough to select the backdrop so that it is obvious you are in US), where you were attired with a Gucci Jean , UCB T-shirt , Louis-Vuitton shoes and a  Fossil Watch. You put all these gear on a pig; it is still a dirty PIG. Unna sollala Machi!! You know what? Even your underwear was seen on that pic. But athu mattum the same old SudarMani.

You had a computer with Pentium 4, 512 MB RAM, CRT Monitor. But I saw a status update from you which shook me to death – “Stepping out of My windows to bite the Apple”, took me a minute to realize that this fucker has got a MacBook. Windows or Mac, ultimately you are going to use it just to watch porn, what difference does it make. Why do you retards install number of instant messaging clients - Skype, Yahoo Messenger, Gtalk, ooVoo, Fring, Trillian. Does someone really bother talking to you in any one of these messengers??  I got better things to do than talking to you (better things – watching porn). Since when did your diction change?? Songs become numbers, Coke Pepsi becomes Soda can, Macha becomes Mate.Seriously,no one back home is interested to see what shit you have cooked there. So stop posting those disturbing images. Do you think they will be bothered if it is raining or snowing here? “Snow, Chicago at its best.” Until then have you ever seen snow in your life barring ManiRatnam movies? But you behave as if you were some Eskimo.

Most irking thing is when you update status saying how badly you miss India – “Missing paani poori and Mom’s rasam”. How trivial things which were of no interest to you here in India suddenly becomes interesting and concerning.  He literally starts a count down on FaceBook as if he is going to launch a GSLV (That is the only rocket I have heard of, not sure if it’s a Rocket though). I dont give a shit if you are excited about getting back to India.  Once you go back, My God the way you brag about US is inadmissible. After you land in Chennai – “is this Chennnnnaiii??” Shivaji padam RajniKanth nu ninapu. Carrying an Aquafina bottle with you all the time, using hand sanitizers often, you bemoan that you are used to left hand driving and find it difficult to drive here. Otha...did you have a car here? I thought you worked in a food court cleaning people's shit.......

Change is inevitable, but seeing you people change drastically is a lousy thing. People like K*NDY are deluded into the wrong thinking that people back in India will adore you only when you do such artifice. No, instead it is really irritating seeing you people change radically. Why do you want to lose your identity?  Well oiled and neatly partitioned hair is your identity. Why do you want to go there and make your head look like a wet Pomeranian dog? You can change your attire, you can have a hair do, you can change your slang and you can change anything extraneous. But remember, it’s infeasible to change what actually you are. You are still a narrow minded, perverted, dogmatic, obstinate, begrudging swine and a PARTISAN (you know why it is in caps). okkk....I cannot fritter away my time thinking about you; I need to update my status "In Niagara falls...watching Nik Wallenda crossing Niagara"